I’ll say this about The Accountant, when it’s over you won’t ask the person next to you “Wait…what about that guy in the black car? What happens to him?” Never, ok maybe one time but I can’t remember, have I ever seen a movie that creates so many loose ends and then goes to the excessive lengths that The Accountant does to tie them all up. If you have any questions by the time the credits roll it’s because you spent too much time peaking at your phone – which is quite possible given the silliness of the plot and Ben Affleck’s incessant mumbling. The only thing left to the imagination is how they got so many A list actors to sign up for this project.

The Accountant follows Christian Wolff  a high functioning autistic played by Ben Affleck. Mild mannered store front tax accountant by day, high rolling book cooker by night, Affleck’s character not only knows his way around a ledger but is also an expert in martial arts and really big guns. How all this happened is not only absurd but also an affront to anyone who cares for an autistic child.  It seems Christian is a product of a military father who channeled Robert Duval in the Great Santini, a tough older brother and a mother who left because she couldn’t deal.  Where’d she go?  That should be filed under no one seems to care except the screenwriters.

Anyway, the father thinks that by teaching his son to emulate Liam Neeson’s “special skills” he’ll be better equipped to deal with his disability and survive in the real world. So in a series of flashbacks that are pulled right out of The Karate Kid and An Officer and a Gentleman, Christian gets toughened up by subjecting him to street gangs and personal training that leaves him bloodied. The mere thought, even in a fictitious story, that violence is somehow a therapy for autism is offensive on so many levels that it’s enough to pan this movie – but wait, there’s more. Somehow he winds up in prison for two years and is tutored in the fine art of international book cooking by Jeffery Tambor who in a miscast role, plays a former accountant for the Gambino crime family. The next thing you know he’s dressed in black, has a hidden trailer packed with expensive weapons, passports and money of various countries and currencies.  All of this is apparently necessary as he travels the world in a quest to route money and numbers.

The roster of A list actors who really should have a sit down with their respective agents to insure they don’t get cast in a movie like this again include John Lithgow as Lamar Blackburn, a high-tech mogul who starts out respectable enough but ends up a ranting paranoid with shifty eyes. If you want to see Lithgow work with really good material, tune into Netflix’s The Crown and get a load of his magnificent portrayal of Winston Churchill. Next is J. K. Simmons who could read the instructions on how to assemble a bicycle and be more entertaining than what he’s given to work with in this movie. He plays a high-ranking treasury agent who blackmails a subordinate into investigating the true identity of the Accountant. Which begs the question, why would you blackmail a subordinate to do her job?? In one of the movie’s bizarre final scenes, Simmons assumes a reclining pose as if he’s in a therapist’s office and delivers an overly wrought monologue about his personal experiences with Affleck’s character. Again, any number of other J. K. Simmons movies are better examples of his acting prowess. And finally there’s Anna Kendrick who really should have passed on what appears to be a filler role and should be asking someone on her team “how did Emma Stone get the lead role in La La Land when I can sing and dance better than her?”

I’ve left Affleck for last because even with an overly complicated plot, poor casting and an absurd premise, The Accountant might have had a shot at being half way entertaining had it not been for Ben Affleck’s wooden performance. There’s virtually nothing to it except a blank stare, monotone delivery and the occasional raised eyebrow. And in a failed attempt to add some degree of dimension to the character, Affleck imbues Christian with a physical “tick.” Each time he uses his hands whether for eating or for complex work he rubs his fingers together and brings them to his mouth. It’s as if someone said to him “you know, Hoffman had the notebook, the colored pens and the toothpicks – what are you going to do?? “How about I spit on my fingers?” “Ok, if you can’t think of anything else, go with that.” Truth be told I’ve rarely seen much in terms of dimension in any of his roles and this is no exception. His brother Casey who seems to reside comfortably in his big brother’s shadow is a far more nuanced actor who doesn’t seem to get the credit he deserves.  (That may finally change now that he’s up for an Oscar in Manchester By The Sea).

So there you have The Accountant – but all is not lost –  if you’re running a small business out of your home and struggling with this year’s tax return, Affleck provides some great advice on what’s deductible and what’s not.  Otherwise, in this reviewer’s opinion, there’s no reason to rush out to see The Accountant or even pay to watch it on demand. In the very near future it will most certainly get picked up by a premium cable network and will run 759 times a month. That will afford you more than enough of an opportunity to catch up on the unread emails and text messages on your phone and not have to bug the person next to you with a question like  “whatever happened to the guy in the hat?”